This 'n That

Well, it's official - I am now working on my SECOND million. I gave up on the first. My brother Bobby told me I should have married for money. I reminded him that I did, with my first marriage, but as soon as her $36.42 was gone, so was I.

I started out with nothing, and I'm proud to say I have most of it left. And I agree with Ben Stein, that I should give Uncle Sam 10% more of my income. What the Hell - 10% of nuthin' doesn't come to very much, anyway. In fact, I'm willing to offer twice that much. If someone needier than me can make good use of it, I say "go for it".

But my generosity doesn't stop there - I'm going to give you twice as much this Christmas as I gave you last Christmas. But not my ex-wife. She's not gonna get anything else from me until she uses what I gave her last Christmas. That burial plot cost me too much to want to see it go to waste.

Seriously though, my ex wasn't that bad. And that was the problem. If she had put a little more effort into being BAD, we might still be together. But it still wouldn't have worked - $36.42 can go just so far.

The aliens were here again last night. They left their bigfoot tracks in the snow (otherwise known as "global warming residue"). But not before they participated in a carcophany of noise that almost sounded like refrains of "Silent Night". My wife says they left without incident once she gave each of them a cup of hot cocoa.

I have decided to extend my Christmas goodwill to Muhammad - you know, the rat that has taken up residence under my shed. I am going to postpone trapping him until after the holidays - a Christmas reprieve, so to speak. But come the new year, that little sucker is going to his reward, to wherever it is rats go when they leave this world.

I have even decided to do something for Al for Christmas. Al, as you may recall, is our local know-it-all. Being single, I have decided to introduce him to my ex-wife. Hey, I never said I was going to do something NICE for him!

I'm already giving some thought to my 2008 New Year's resolutions.Since no one keeps their resolutions anyway, I have decided to be more tolerant of liberals, and to give "moderate Muslims" the benefit of the doubt. What the heck - maybe I'll even give Hillary the benefit of the doubt.

Nah! That's going to far.

My wife dyed her hair blonde, and now her brain is like teflon. She forgets everything in 2.3 seconds flat. I know it's not a precursor to alzheimers because she has no problem remembering every little mistake I have made in our 16 years together. She just can't remember why the car keys were in the fridge.

The other day, as I was snow-blowing all the global warming residue out of the driveway, my wife came out to help, shovel in hand. But no boots on her feet! I sent her back into the house to get boots on, and when she reappeared, the shovel was gone. She couldn't remember where she put it, but at least she had boots on. I kissed her, then finished plowing.